And I've learned a lot. I'm just on the other end of an abusive relationship. He's my twin flame. It's so incredibly heartbreaking and painful to separate, but it's necessary. I've been feeling the energy shifts and upgrades we've been going through... Almost every day I meditate and connect with those supporting me in the energetic transitions. I've been through a lot this year. My digestive tract has been causing a lot of pain after several food allergy episodes along with stress from being with someone struggling with substance abuse and bringing that energy home in the form of emotional and physical abuse. I had to make some really difficult decisions that hurt my twin. I had to stand up and say no more to the abuse and then set some immovable boundaries. A few days previous he'd told me about a dream he had when he was 15. He had dreamt about his future wife. He told me because he'd had a sense of deja vu and in it, realized that dream was about me. He's looking at criminal charges, no custody or visitation with our daughter, and has fallen off the deep end with drug use. Every time I see him, which isn't often and just in passing, he looks worse. Horribly gaunt. We're so connected that I can feel his pain, his hurt that he pushes away with anger and more drugs.
I've been thinking more and more that everything is vibration... Everything is sound, is music. We began as a single note, unbroken. We knew there had to be more, so at some point we decided to individuate, to become different notes. Now, we're experimenting to figure out how to make the notes harmonize. Not only that, but we have to first learn how to sing. It's a trial and error process, and very often the notes are dissonant. As each one of us follows our heart and learns to sing our own part, and starts to practice what that feels like, the notes begin to fit and turn into this beautiful song. In order to hear the full beauty, we have to have each part. When we hear another singing a wrong note, our instinct may be to help them learn their part. Don't do it! As soon as you stop singing your part to help them, your part can no longer be heard! Your part is necessary in everyone hearing where they fit! Therefore, the best way you can help everyone learn their part is to continue singing yours to the best of your ability, trusting that eventually everyone will figure out where their part fits into the harmony of the song. And they will! It is only fear that makes us doubt.
Today I saw him. Driving a different car, looking thinner than I've ever seen him, so thin his pants wouldn't stay on at all, cheeks sunken in. I drove away thinking that the one I loved was only ever in my head, that that person never really existed. Almost immediately I was hit with the feeling that he was next to me, saying, "I'm right here. You know me." I do know him. I've felt his spirit around me, watching, supporting. I wished there was something I could do to help. He told me I am. By being brave, being courageous, being myself. Holding to the truth of everything.
I recently had sex again, for the first time since we separated. It's someone I've now remembered as a lover from past lives, and though we connect strongly sexually, the passionate love of other lifetimes is gone. Best sex of my life. And that's saying something... My twin was previously the best sex of my life. Which is still saying something... I've had some great sex. When we engage sexually I feel the connection, but otherwise I don't. In fact, when we engage sexually I feel my twin's energy there too. It's been healing. Helping me to let go of my twin and let him follow his own path, knowing that we'll meet again someday, if not in this lifetime, then another. It helps, too, knowing that there will be strong, healthier connections in this lifetime even though I can't be physically with my twin. It helps knowing that he's still making sure I'm well taken care of, allowing myself to be true to that part of myself. He knows me so well.
Tonight I was hit with the insight that we knew what we were getting into. I agreed to step back and let him go, and he agreed to be abusive, to feel horrible about himself, and to spiral in drug use for me, so that I would have the strength to learn to live my truth. He knew that this lifetime would be important for me, that I would be waking up to my power in it. And he agreed to be that person, to do and feel awful things to help me face what I needed to. So I let go. He'll be here with me, supporting me. We are together already, even if not currently physically. I will learn to sing my song, and sing it well so that he can hear where his part goes.
That is what love does. It chooses hard things so that everyone can reach their highest purpose.
